Or, Half a woman is worse than none
Note: This post was written in 2009 and I was in a different place mentally and emotionally. The recovery I’ve been through from 2022 on has changed my views on a lot of things, and I can critique myself effectively. I’ll do that in a modernized version of this post which I will link when it is complete. Please take my lack of recovery into account when you read this.
Notes
I originally began work on this as a followup to my posts about Salty, my ex-wife, Alexia, Tiffany, Insloan, et al. I began writing while I was in Iraq about a year ago and it has just now reached the point where I would consider releasing the first five pages. My product was fourteen more single-spaced pages on a flight back from Korea. The completion of this story was published as Darlene, Part 2.
I temporarily broke this story up into “commentary based on what I knew then” and “what I know now”. But it will be a lot harder to understand, that way. So I’m trying my best to fuse it into a single narrative.
Story
Then there was Darlene. I’d met her about midyear, but she was just one of my MUD players so I didn’t give her much heed. There was a lot of youth and cuteness in how she portrayed herself. She was Tiffany’s age, to say about 22. I was 32 by this time. Darlene was real fast to send out pictures of herself, and after looking at them you’d understand why. With the exception of a rather angular nose she was overall a massive hottie. 5’4”, about 150 and E cups with a really pretty face and (expensively) done dark hair.
Her family was loaded and she had the manners to match a genteel Atlanta upbringing in Buckhead about 3 blocks from the Governor’s mansion. The pics she sent to me were heavily loaded with perfect 18 year old face shots and pictures of her lying breasts down, accentuating her massive yet attractive cleavage. She was doable from the get-go. She had a nice ass too, incidentally.
I was a mountain to climb for Darlene, someone achievable yet remote. When I started paying a little attention to her, after Insloan had started to split time on me, she homed onto me like a searchlight. Pictures, emails, online sex, anything that would keep my eyes focused on her. Finally, on or about 20 December I got an invite to her parents’ cabin on Lake Allatoona. “No one will be there but us…”, I still remember her saying. I was very much undecided – it was a little scary, what if she were a psycho who would kill me in my sleep? But she was so fuckable looking…
Deciding to Go
So there I am, just after Christmas 2001 with Insloan playing lukewarm for me (I was talking to her on the phone once in a while at this point) and Darlene begging for me to come down for New Year’s and use her like a sex toy. I decided to ask someone. I talked to my Aunt Diane. She is my father’s sister and is the closest thing to channeling my father that I have. She’s an RN and a teacher and a million other things. I outlined the scenario with Darlene and mentioned that I was a little leery about doing it. She said to just go for it, which surprised me and confirmed my decision. I was going.
Now, we have logistic issues. Being out of work, I was very light on cash. I believe I set out with $150 in my pocket, which was (at the time) just enough to pay for gas and a couple of meals. I was driving a 1992 Geo Storm with about 120k miles on it and in not great shape. Ended up replacing the transmission in it three times in the next year. I was driving 850 miles each way from NJ to Atlanta. That was about 2 1/2 tanks of gas each way. This was really cutting it close.
I remember talking to Darlene on the way and calling Insloan also, and letting her know where I was going. That was pretty much the end of our relationship, as it existed. Insloan was pretty miffed but you know…you have to play to win. She wasn’t really in the game so she lost.
Tryst at Allatoona
I drove about 14 hours, slept about 2 in Tennessee a bit north of Chattanooga, and then finished the remaining 3 hours of the drive, arriving in the area of Allatoona at about 3am. Darlene met me and escorted me into the fenced in and access-controlled enclave that the cabin in question is at. I got a good look at her during that trip. Raven haired and just an expression of beauty in womanhood, and will probably remain etched in my mind forever. It wasn’t just horniness; I wanted this girl bad for my own.
When we got to the house she had a fire all ready to stoke up to warm us up (it was near freezing that night) and sat there and stared me down until I kissed her. Then gave no resistance as I felt her up. Then took me by the hand into a bedroom with a king-sized bed, and lay down upon it and spread her legs conveniently so I could lay atop her. The kissing and dry humping lasted about a minute before clothes were flying all over. I was so starved for female attention that all I can remember is the release I had afterwards, except for her eyes staring upward at me in mild amusement at the faces I was making.
Breaking the Bed
We collapsed asleep after that, together. We were both tired. Then the next morning (afternoon) we started again. And again. Then we broke the bed, snapping one of the side rails of a very expensive wooden bed – it was her fault, she was on top. 🙂 I’ll keep telling myself that, at least. We found a cinderblock and propped the bed back together and then got back in and went back to doing what we were doing. Over and over and over for two days until I was as spent as I ever remember being.
We hopped in the shower together, I got to wield her loofa on her back and fondle those beautiful breasts while they were all soapy and wet, yum. She got me off the in the shower too… We dried off and then she lay beside me, resting her head on my shoulder and breast on my chest and leg over mine, and just cuddled for hours. Her hair always smelt wonderful, better than any woman’s hair has ever smelt to me. A combination of wonderful smelling shampoos and conditioners that only she can manufacture on the spot. I buried my face in it and smiled.
I was pretty damn happy. Every once in a while she’d turn up and kiss me. And she’d fall asleep curled up next to me. She was a little girl compared to me so spooning didn’t exactly work but we figured out ways to maximize body contact.
Heading Home
I made it home safely but with signal regret, I just didn’t want to leave her. But reality was reality. We quickly set up a protocol: we would get online and chat each other when we were ready for bed, and then we’d get on the phone for an hour or four, depending on the night. Yeah, it wasn’t like being there but it felt better than the alternative.
Now, some key questions I didn’t ask myself then, but should have. First, why was she so willing to throw her (very beautiful) body at me? What was so special about me? Why was everything so conveniently set up? Didn’t that mean she’d done this before (and would probably do it again)? Could she be actually trusted when out of sight?
I came back and visited her again in March or April of 2002. We stayed at a hotel and basically had sex a lot. I didn’t get to meet her family or anything, apparently I was a personal affair. That said, sitting on the bench near the door of my hotel room and having her ride me immediately after coming in the hotel room door was pretty hot.
A more poignant question was whether I could be trusted when she was out of sight.
Fucking Tiffany…Again
This is the first long distance relationship that I had ever tried, at least exclusively. I did not see Darlene from January through almost April. In about March, Tiffany had just tried something with a new guy and had been pretty sharply rejected. It was a mixture of wanting to reassure her and just plain wanting her that we resumed having sex.
Not every night – nor every week, but every once in a while she’d leave her bedroom door open a crack, which was our signal for “it’s all right to come in”. If I lay next to her, we could just sleep together. But sometimes if I did, she’d be still awake and we’d make love. It was really sweet and had no pressure associated with it. The sex we had then was about as good a sex as I’ve ever had, passionate and not done for any other reason than that we wanted each other.
Tiffany had also been working on vocalizing during sex and had become a much more puissant and cultured lover in the interim. To this day I keep trying to rationalize why I was addicted to talking to Darlene but yet I was in bed with Tiffany as much as I was. I know I resented Darlene for not being with me more. I didn’t like her constant gaming – she played a MUD and Starcraft to total excess – even then, and I was pretty sure she was cavorting with other guys at some point. Just had to win with her – it was about winning, not considering that the prize maybe was not worth having. I already had something better if I had just crooked my finger to take it.
Fucking Vivian
Our mutual friend Vivian also figured in. You see, Tiffany has a lesbian side as well. Vivian was rather normal shaped, with curly, almost black hair and glasses. She wasn’t a stone cold hottie like Darlene was when I first met her, but she was pleasant and attractive looking. Vivian was kind of low key while we were dating but she started showing up constantly once myself and Tiffany had separate bedrooms, and would stay in there with Tiffany quite often. Hell, they started just doing it in the living room, virtually inviting me to join in. I never attempted to, though. I never liked the idea of having sex with two women. One is enough.
What did happen is that one night Tiffany went to bed early and Vivian was in the living room. I hadn’t even intended to do so, but I patted the sofa beside me and Vivian promptly settled in next to me. And started kissing me and stroking my unit. Before long we were engaged in some really hot and spontaneous sex on my bed with Tiffany sleeping in the next room. God, she was delicious. Super oral and submissive and just …yum. The next day Vivian headed back to her place in PA and I had Tiffany, and she was even better, I believe. Something about Tiffany just wrapping around me like no other woman ever has. Talk about my cup runneth over. Life was pretty good then.
Heading to Skankland
One problem with talking further about Darlene is that everything is through a lens of her infidelity. I don’t think there was a point where she wasn’t being unfaithful in some respect, any longer. Now I think the entire time she was cavorting with various internet guys. I think my subconscious knew this but my conscious mind was just always nervous about losing her. At the same time, I was being unfaithful in the relationship while dismissing that as a concern. It makes me wonder what the hell the both of us were doing. I know some people are into open relationships but I’m certainly not in a waking sense and neither is Darlene, far as I can tell. That said, that was exactly what we were engaged in.
This is about where I left this off in March of 08. I couldn’t get myself to write much further. I restarted on October 28, 2008 and attempted to complete the story that has eluded me for so long. Tried again on February 18, 2009 to start this again. I noted that I had spottily completed additional paragraphs below, but some parts of the narrative that are particularly painful remain undone. So here I go again… waiting until March 17, 2009 to continue along and hopefully finish this. This stuff must really still bother me if I am avoiding writing about it so carefully.
First Visit
So Darlene visited me for the first time in late May of 2002. She met Tiffany, who I was still living with. Darlene broke out her makeup and girl supplies and brought CDs. We lit up candles at night and played the music and made love to it. It was pretty sweet. I think I was more infatuated with the whole idea of having this young hottie interested in sharing time with me, than anything else. She was a huge attention whore and I barely could walk out of the room without her either chasing me down or alternatively getting online and getting attention from a MUD client.
She went home after a week. I was sad/happy about it. I remember being concerned about her fidelity at this time, which was the main reason I didn’t want her to go. Didn’t want to lose. After she departed, I resumed having sex with Tiffany every few nights. It turned out that I missed her while Darlene was there. A lot. Being in Tiffany’s bed with her and holding her was much more satisfying than being with Darlene. More warning signs.
MUD Party
Tiffany wanted to have a ‘MUD party’, for the Eye of the World MUD players. So we did, around July 4, 2002. Darlene was there, as were some other people. A bunch of other gamers came over, mostly younger people. Probably about 20 all told, though not all at the same time. We drank and bullshitted and went out and played mini golf and all the other stupid things geeks do when they congregate.
Ayman
One of the guys that was there was named Ayman. He was (is?) an illegal alien from Egypt/Syria. He’s actually a pretty nice kid. He had a crush on Darlene. She, being an attention whore, reciprocated. I’m going to tell this story the way I understood it then, rather than the way I understand it now.
The third morning of the party (it went on for about 3 days), me and Darlene woke up in my bed. She wasn’t interested in going outside yet, as she was one of those people who like to hang out in bed all day. I had company to tend. I went out to get some food for everyone, since I was the best off in terms of money. By this time I was working for the Army and was making the buku contractor bucks. Anyway, I come home, walk upstairs and hear my bedroom door slam and Ayman come walking out with a raging erection.
Working Ayman’s Cock
Now, my reaction was to walk in the bedroom and ask Darlene what the fuck was going on. “Nothing!” was my answer. But I was old enough by then to not accept the answer. I was fully cuckolded. If there was nothing going on, why not meet him in the living room? Why the door slam? Why the hard-on? From then on, I never felt a shred of remorse about any of the other women I romanced/had sex with while supposedly ‘dating’ her. It was a passive-aggressive vengeance thing.
The truth is that Darlene was sucking his cock or jacking him off. I never got the real answer but who cares at this point: the issue was that she was dishonest and unfaithful. Should have dumped her right then, but since I didn’t want to lose with her, I made sure that I ‘put it all aside’. I put nothing aside, but just let it simmer inside. The hatred for her was planted here, and grew into full flower given time. Superficially, I accepted the apology and she visited a few more times in 2002. Superficially it was all okay.
Marriage and Moving In
I am appalled by this now, but I actually discussed marrying Darlene with her mother in this time frame, fall 2002. Obviously, I never felt even remotely comfortable enough with the relationship to consider it. But I did actually think about it once. It would have made her parents happy but not Darlene. She’d have remained the insecure attention whore she is.
We had discussions about her moving in with me – since I was so insecure – around the time I found out Tiffany was moving to Iowa, in early 2003. About this time we ceased our lovemaking, to my regret. But it was time for her to move on, and it was kind of her to act as a surrogate girlfriend for as long as she did. From now on, Darlene would have to satisfy me herself, and she signally failed. She basically caved to her parents and refused to move out. Now, I realize that her parents were smart and were doing it for her own good, but then, I just saw a child. And I didn’t want a child for a girlfriend, at 34.
I had her at my place to help paint the new apartment in May 2003. She did a good job: about the last time she ever did anything well with me. Then she went back to ATL and promptly forgot about me for a few months. Sure, I got phone calls once in a while, but basically I didn’t hear from her much for the summer. And by this point, I didn’t care. I figured she’d never leave home anyway so why even pay attention to her. So I didn’t.
Insloan Returns
Insloan figured in again in my life. About mid-August, she got in touch with me and wanted to try having a relationship. I agreed, seeing that the one with Darlene was not headed in a satisfactory direction. So she resolved to fly to New Jersey from Chicago around Labor Day. She landed in Philadelphia dressed in a slinky black dress and all done up as a Goth, but a really good looking one. We teased each other and drank all night.
I have this vivid memory of both using our fingers gently on the most sensitive spots on our bodies and then staring at each other and barely meeting with our lips, panting with desire. And of her lifting my lips to hers to taste herself after I’d been pleasing her. Having her shimmy out of that dress…mmm. Or best of all, taking her from behind, and having her neck turned around so I could see her face beneath me, eyes closed and smiling with each stroke.
The night Insloan left, I broke up with Darlene for the first of four times. I was interested in pursuing a relationship with Insloan. That didn’t work out due to the distance: she hooked up with someone local (in Chicago) and I haven’t heard from her again since.
Our tale continues with Darlene, Part Two.
