Or, How long is my penis?
Note: This post was written in 2007 and I was in a different place mentally and emotionally. The recovery I’ve been through from 2022 on has changed my views on a lot of things, and I can critique myself effectively. I’ll do that in a modernized version of this post which I will link when it is complete. Please take my lack of recovery into account when you read this.
Tiffany
I feel an urge sometimes to gloss over my time with Tiffany. It was the happiest time of my adult life, bar none. We had a strange relationship that defied all the standards that I had expected. If I talk about the early months, you will get an impression of her that is negative. As I came to know and love her I understood her motivations. Why she did what she did, and I know she came to respect and love me as well. She grew into a towering, safe figure that I could and can always trust as my best and unarguably true friend, and a woman at that. For the ladies out there, her behavior and trustworthy nature are the saving grace for your entire gender, as far as I am concerned.
Tiffany will always be beautiful – and doable – to me, but she isn’t a classic beauty or even a hottie. She isn’t a usual shape, large in the hips and tiny in the shoulders, very tall. Slightly over six feet tall. Beautiful, pert breasts, their shape was tantalizing. The intoxicating hair that I love in a woman, so many nights I buried my nose in it and just sighed. She wore pony tails with her hair tied back in one of those puffy rubber bands, or down at her shoulders, and is a medium brown, with blue eyes and cute freckles. Tiffany doesn’t have little smiles, she has big crooked ones that always had a bit of …cruelty perhaps in them. A yummy kind of cruelty that makes me think of some of the nasty yet pleasurable things she did with me. Heh heh.
I Could Go On…
Her voice doesn’t exactly fit her physique, it is rather high but pleasant and while hardly monotone is not evocative, but soothing. In fact, a lot about Tiffany is soothing. In contrast, her wit is as sharp as a rapier and she has a cruel side that she withholds through will rather than through lack of cruelty.
Tiffany is an excellent listener and a great person for giving you advice, as she is perfectly willing to give you the painful truth. You cannot scorn her words, though, because she will be unwilling to help a second time if you ignore her the first time. Trust is a watchword with her which made us utterly compatible, as I expect confidences to be kept. She has never failed the test. Perhaps the best thing I can say about Tiffany is that I have never caught her doing anything foolish at all since the first few months we were together. Ever. She’s the wisest 28 year old in the world.
This is probably the hardest part about writing about Tiffany. Her faithfulness and trustworthiness has been beyond words and I considered it always my sworn duty to never reveal anything about her personal life if I could avoid the subject in any way. I know things about her that I just don’t want to tell other people. I love her – I don’t want to hurt her. Then again, no story about me is complete without explaining Tiffany. So, here we go.
About Tiffany
Her body is a temple that I always loved worshipping at. Tiffany isn’t like anyone else I’ve ever been with. The most wonderful quality about Tiffany is that she’s literally like KFC, finger licking good. It may sound gross or untoward but she has the most delectable vaginal secretions of anyone I’ve ever met. I would go down on her for literal hours – 2 hours was not utterly unusual – and the taste and scent of her is something I always loved covering my face.
Maybe it’s that she wasn’t around much, or maybe it’s just her natural deliciousness. Either way, making love to her was always a pleasure with that as a starting point. Smelling her on me was always wonderful and moreso than any other woman I took up the habit of just not washing her scent off of me …leaving it on my hands was my favorite, the whole next day I’d be inhaling the scent off the back of my hand and letting my eyes roll into the back of my head. I’ll bet she never knew that. Heh.
Rape Fantasy
Tiffany was very much into very light rape fantasies and slight bd (but not sm). She liked being tied down, and tying me down. I never minded – I trusted her, and I am pretty sure the feeling was mutual. She just liked to tease me, making me throb with my heartbeat and making me beg for her. I did the same to her, getting her sopping wet and denying her the penetration she craved. Eventually we both got what we wanted, it was just a little fun to spice up things. We used a bunch of old early 90s ties that I had retired. The silken bonds on the bedframe made the neighbors laugh when I was breaking down my apartment years later.
Her idea of a rape fantasy entailed getting naked in bed and turning away from me and holding her legs closed. My task was then to try to touch her in the correct erogenous zones while she was doing her best trying to keep me from touching them. She’d clutch her legs closed tightly and not allow me access with my fingers. I’d have to actually work hard to press my fingers between her thighs, sliding them ever so slightly closer to the magic prize, kissing at her shoulders, trying to get her to turn so I could kiss her lips.
Throbbing Ecstasy
I imagine feeling my erection against her legs and the desperation of my push to touch her probably resulted in her having a huge smile, but I don’t know, she was turned away. Finally, I’d feel her soaking my fingers when I’d pressed inward enough and she’d open her legs for my easy access, completely and utterly soaking wet from the play. I have to admit I liked that one a lot though if she weren’t a trustworthy person that kind of play could be very dangerous indeed.
Spontaneity
Another thing Tiffany was great for was spontaneous things. On several occasions we’d chat with each other on IM from our respective workplaces about having sex. I remember one day I was hoping for her to be waiting for me in bed, stark naked and ready for me. She assuredly was when I got home. She looked so beautiful lying there.
Another time, at her dorm room in college she posed for a bunch of naked pictures. It’s ironic but I never liked the pictures but I loved looking at her lying in bed. The pictures seemed to cheapen her somehow while her body in real life was so …feminine in a way I’d never appreciated femininity before. She was “Powerful woman” or something like that. I never had a problem with pounding her as hard as I could or lying atop her with all my weight – she was strong and rugged and incredibly doable. Not a china doll but an Amazon who could still smile at me while I was inside her and egg me on to fill her up.
And…The Bad
I easily wrote a couple pages of text about how much I love and appreciate Tiffany. The next paragraph or two are harder to write because I have to remember negative things. When I first met Tiffany, she was very young in a 2nd year college student way. Tiffany is an experimenter. She wanted back then to try things and see how they worked. Flattery also worked on her then. It doesn’t really now.
In any event, I don’t know if she found me exciting or whatever but she agreed to go out with me – we saw a movie and had dinner and then parked the car. We kissed a lot and rubbed each others’ bodies. I was throbbing hard and she was soaking wet and smelled so delicious that I wanted to have her right then and there. But when I tried to slide her panties aside and slide a finger inside her she stopped me. She did the rules thing, “You don’t really expect me to have sex with you on the first date?”. I agreed with signal regret and took her back to her dorm room.
13 Fucks Later…
A week later she came to my place for the night, Alexia officially gone. We picked up where we left off, and we made love…correction, we had hot and nasty sex 13 times over the next 14 hours. Every ounce of desire I had was about pounding her long and hard. She said later that she cried during that, but frankly I didn’t notice, I was loving every minute of taking her from the top and the bottom and off the side of the bed…every direction I could imagine. So young and perky and taut and tasty.
Unfortunately Tiffany wasn’t exactly faithful – she didn’t believe in monogamy at this time. I think she was still hung up on other people, which was why she was crying during the sex. That said, she was difficult to pin down for follow-up dates – she would come occasionally but she loved the online guys and didn’t like the lack of freedom associated with being my girlfriend. That said, she never liked losing: Tiffany is intensely competitive, so she did not wish to let me go either.
I remember many nights of going to her dorm room during this period. We’d attemp to cuddle. Then I’d make love to her atop her very high but very small single bed at school. It was always delicious. Most nights I would come home smelling strongly of her and completely satiated. It was pretty much all I cared about during this time period.
Fucking Mary Again
Her online exploits and the guys she carried on with in that forum maddened me, however. So, therefore, I resolved not to be monogamous in return. I explored two angles. First, Mary was still wanting me over. So after a couple months of Tiffany’s nonexclusivity, I began having sex with her again. Very hot sex of course since she realized she was down to the last throw.
I have a vivid memory of Mary throwing me into the bed at my old house. I had come over to drop off a check. She blew me till I pumped a huge load in her mouth, and licking me clean. Then, she started touching me all over. Mary jacked me off till I got hard again and blew me again, swallowing yet again. Then she said, “Please stay…don’t leave…”. I left anyway. She tried once or twice more. Mary tried telling everyone I knew online about our exploits, but nothing worked so shortly before New Year she gave up. Realizing that after what she had done, I wasn’t coming back. Actually, no, realizing I wasn’t coming back. She didn’t and still doesn’t understand the “why”.
Flirting with Vivian
I also was carrying on a bit of an online tease with a girl named Vivian. Vivian was a friend of Tiffany’s. She went to Seton Hall in NJ so she was geographically desirable. She was raven haired with loose curls grown out to extreme length, and had a bit of Polish anciestry. I always thought her very pretty in her own right. She also had a smoking body at that time and was a kind person at heart. Vivian wanted someone to spend New Year’s with. I volunteered gladly, so it was understood we’d be designated dates for the occasion. I liked the idea – while I felt for Tiffany and felt her a better match for me, Vivian was going to be delectable in her own right.
Tiffany made this very easy by planning on spending nearly her whole Xmas-New Year’s break with a guy on the west coast. I think the plan was to have sex with him, I’m sure, but I have no idea. The point was that I didn’t think it consistent with being faithful to me, so I had no problem with having Vivian over. Then it became more of a party as more people got interested in coming over. I mean I was still in my bedroom with Vivian according to plan but lots of others were going to come and stay at my place and get roaring drunk.
Uh Oh
Well, Tiffany heard this and cancelled her plans to go to the West Coast on about the 26th of December and announced she was coming to my place too. This left me in a weird situation but Vivian was cool with it, she just wanted to have fun, not arguments, and was still coming over my place.
Tiffany clearly understood what was happening here. I was putting her behind me and taking up with Vivian based on her actions, and she reacted accordingly. She would not lose like that!
Party Time
The refrigerator was nice and stocked and the people started to arrive. Someone made me a “Vicks Blue” which was pretty much everclear and cough medicine. Yuk. Anyway, it was my house so I had no restrictions about getting trashed, and I did. I had stagger on within about 2 hours of the beginning of drinks. All of the people were people we’d met online on the previously mentioned mud.
Some I had met before – the hottie Grace who was a dancer in a club, smoking body with big tits. So I had at least 3 chicks there that night that I would have fucked at any moment with no compunction. Me drunk – no, ripped – with hotties that are available. Bad combo. I even did my tequila trick (16 oz glass of tequila filled up about 10-12 oz up with Cuervo Gold, drink in one gulp. The trick is to not breathe) to the amazement and/or disgust of the attendees.
Dick Measurement
Anyway, Tiffany proposes a penis length contest, and it’s a testament to how drunk we were that it sounded like a good idea. But of course, we weren’t just hauling out our cocks in a public place. Instead, the women were responsible for taking one guy into the bedroom and then ‘somehow’ getting an erection out of him and then using my 25’ tape measure to get a reading (ambitious thought, I agree, a ruler would have been better).
Anyway, Grace took a few of the guys into the bedroom and as a testament to her abilities (she was blowing them, I believe, to get the reading), she even got a gay guy hard. Yes, she was that attractive. So, everyone who was willing had been measured. Except me. And Tiffany refused to do it. Now that we’d come to the test, she refused to do the honors. So, I was a bit disappointed with her, and told her so.
Vivian Takes Me In Hand
Vivian, also well lubricated with drink, came to the rescue. She walked over to me, grabbed my hand in hers, pulled me up from a chair and back into the now vacant bedroom, laid me down on the bed after closing the door, and fished out my unit. She pulled out the tape measure, and then saw that it was a bit flaccid, and started stroking with her fingertips in a really pleasant way. I don’t know about you, but when some good looking girl services me that way, I kiss her, and I did. And she didn’t stop stroking. Within about 5 minutes, I had her jeans down around her ankles and we were in a virtual 69.
Tiffany, of course, chose this moment to burst through the door. I remember lifting my head drunkenly, seeing her, and then staring at the dresser for a while. I was upset with myself. Guilty about what I was doing, feeling rotten. Vivian got the same feeling I suspect and went back out to the party. I stayed in there for a while alone. It was pretty miserable.
Jealousy
The icy silence from Tiffany was palpable and wrecked the remainder of the party. She made some plans to leave. She reconsidered after a while. We had a discussion the day after. I think – eventually – she realized that her own behavior contributed strongly to what happened. I think she got that she was being unfaithful herself. Never had to be concerned about Tiffany’s faithfulness after that, though much later she said that she’d probably been unfaithful in spirit talking to other people, and hadn’t paid as much attention to me as she might have, even after New Years 2000. That said, I think she did a good job particularly juxtaposed against some others – thinking Alison here.
I also never cheated on her again. Mary and Vivian were cut completely out of my life after this. I will always remember how I felt in that room and how desperate I was that Tiffany not leave my life, and how shitty my actions felt to me. Whether she deserved them or not was irrelevant. It was pretty much the end of the midlife crisis phase of my divorce.
And no, I never got measured. If you really want to know, I’ll answer but it seems also irrelevant. 🙂
Weird Reconciliation
After a couple weeks of living together and reconciliation I think Tiffany started to like being with me all the time. We resolved to move in together, and just in time, because my cash situation was not good. I had been not making the mortgage payments on the old house since I got summarily removed. I couldn’t afford them, basically. So the house was pretty close to foreclosure by this point. In addition, I was having a hard time making the rent on my then-current apartment. The money was going to lawyers and child support and such. It sounded like a good idea to move in with Tiffany for those reasons, also that the cost of living in the Lehigh Valley in PA was quite a bit lower than NJ. I could get a similar place for about half the money.
So, we found ourselves a little house. We took it on a month to month basis. I basically let them evict me from the place in NJ though I was long gone. Still wasn’t making mortgage payments. A month after I moved out to PA (early March) I lost my job when my mentor and the guy who hired me got canned. I had no chance whatsoever of keeping a job after he left, he had pretty much created a political firestorm. The 2 hour each way commutes were killing me anyway. In any event, it would be a while before I got another job.
Making Myself Unemployed
Mary was getting pretty militant about cash at this point. She saw the house slipping away and wanted to figure out how to save it but didn’t have any money to work with. My lawyer saw no hope of getting her out of the house (which was my goal) with the way my finances stood. So this probably had a lot to do with me not getting another job for about 4 months, the only extended unemployment of my adult life.
California
I started off this period by taking a trip to California to visit some people I knew from the MUD I worked on at the time, The Two Towers. Tiffany went along – we rented a van and drove around CA for about 10 days. How we afforded it – my irresponsibility, I spent about $800 on the trip I could not afford. That said, we had a great time. We travelled from SF to Sacramento to Fresno to LA to San Diego and back north again, stopping in various places till we got to Mountain View which was our last stop.
We had some incredible sex on the trip. I remember one night in Fresno in a cheap motel where we bonded fully – simultaneous spontaneous orgasm was one feature of it. Yummy. In any event, Tiffany and I became a real couple on this trip instead of people who were having sex.
Hedge Funds Suck
We got back from the trip and I tried for unemployment and was denied due to some creative bookkeeping by my ex-employer. They basically booked all my income in the previous year, making it look like I had only worked for them for a few months rather than the 8 or so I had. So I got screwed. I took a job briefly with Penske Truck Leasing as a WAN admin. It didn’t last long, the guy I was working for was an asshole and didn’t explain well what he wanted. So basically a month of income but otherwise I wasn’t working from March through the end of September.
My lack of employment maddened my ex-wife but there wasn’t much she could do about it, or the courts. I paid my support but nothing else, and services kept being turned off and eventually she had to figure out ways to get money, by selling off all of my possessions that I had not removed, basically. I lost a lot of things during this time frame. She never got at my coins, but the comic books and computers that I didn’t take all went.
Dad Dies
My father dropped dead on April 15, 2000. It was a massive heart attack. I basically talked to him the day before and the next afternoon got the call that he’d fallen to the floor in the bathroom, dead. I had a lot of upset with him in life because he always put us (my sister and I) second, but I miss the guy. His second wife pretty much denied us representation at the services and funeral and acted as if we didn’t exist even though we were sitting in the crowd. I think it was pretty symptomatic of how he had lived his life, but I have never spoken to her again after that day. Fucking cunt.
Insulin Dependent
I went into the hospital in early September 2000 – my blood sugar was out of control and I was getting eruptive xanthoma signaling my blood fats were similarly out of control. Spent a week in the hospital while they switched me from pills to insulin, which I have remained on to this day. Learning how to shoot myself sucked but whatever. I am cool with it now. I blame it all on stress. Tiffany was my only solace, and there were things happening that she could not help with (or I wouldn’t let her – my confidence in her only came much later).
In late September, after I had been on insulin a while, I got a part-time job with a pharmaceutical contracting company near Somerville, NJ. A lot of big pharm cos are based there, so not all that surprising – J&J, Merck, etc. Anyway it was a good steppingstone back into the industry – they wanted simple stuff and I could do it at my own pace and my own hours. The pay wasn’t much but it was under the table, so I could continue my farce of not being employed, which benefitted my divorce.
Rat Slayer
Tiffany through all of this was patient with me, once she understood what I was doing. That said, she was the only bright spot in my life. During this time I killed a good 8 inch long rat in my kitchen. Not counting the tail. Yech. We stayed in the area just long enough for her to finish her psych degree at Lehigh then found somewhere else to move. We found a place in NJ near Watchung, a nice area where she was quickly to find a decent job with a company that reviews books and writes the blurbs for Barnes and Noble.com. This was about May/June 2001. I remember the first day we arrived at the place and got the key for ourselves we just laid on the floor and made sweet, passionate love. Something about christening the new places you live…
There are so many things I could say about how I loved Tiffany and still love Tiffany. Her lips were soft but shaped and met yours with force. Her breath always tasted delicious. I could breathe her air for the rest of eternity. Tiffany had a very neat but plain appearance- her hair was always perfectly shaped and looked cute always no matter how little work she put into it. She wore quite a few sweaters and looked wonderful in them. Her whole body was like a statement of feminine dexterity and grace even though she was very tall for a woman. Her movements had something to them that just made you want to hug her and make sure she never cried ever again. Something intensely endearing about her.
Fun Times
Tiffany would laugh a lot. I loved her laugh. She would play music that I appreciated all the time. Tiffany wore these glittery tops because I loved her in them. She would put one on. I loved the shape of her breasts in them, I think that was it. For some reason I would be disgustingly horny until she took pity on my lust for her. Yes, she liked teasing me gently, and I loved her for doing it for me.
God, I miss her.
One day I realized a few things. First, Tiffany wasn’t done growing. I was way, way ahead of her on the scale of life. She would want children someday. I would have done anything for Tiffany, anything, even have more kids, except for one thing. She didn’t satisfy my need for cuddles. Her hugs are not melting, they are bony and forceful. While I know she loves and is comforting, she can’t really be cuddly. I need cuddly very badly.
Introspection
My mom was a lot like Tiffany in that respect. I must have been shorted on female affection when I was a kid. I want someone who will just lie in bed with me and wrap bodies. Someone to be in constant body contact while watching a movie. Tiffany likes body contact during sex. She’s not much for it otherwise except for kisses or mild hand holding or an occasional hug.
If her body would just have melted into mine. I would have made her belly swell and bought her a big diamond and just lived happily ever after. That one thing was just vital to me. I couldn’t bear cheating on someone I loved so much just to get that. So I broke up with her. I did three months of abstinence on the floor of the living room. Just wanted to prove to her I wasn’t doing it for ‘another woman’. I wanted her to not feel inadequate, and I tried to explain as best I could. I think now she understands, but then – I don’t know. She never guilt tripped me because she was just too good a person to do that. We always remained great friends – almost like friends with benefits w/o benefits. Though more on that later…
Vivian even stayed over in the middle of that dry spell for me and we were in body contact. Literal cheeks touching and hand holding for days. I didn’t make a move because I didn’t want to make Tiffany feel bad. And Vivian remained and remains hot to me.
Admission
I’ll state finally and definitively that I made a mistake. Tiffany was as close to perfection in a woman as I am going to ever find and I should have just sucked it up and accepted that there was something I would have liked in her that wasn’t there. On a big scale it would have been all over to the positive, and I was plenty happy with her. I think the biggest problem I had was that I was never sure she was happy with me – my own feelings of inadequacy showing through here – and I think that is why we were ultimately doomed. I didn’t want to feel like I was holding her back from something she could have, I guess. I’m happy for her now. I still miss her though.
So now it’s December 2001. I’m living in Watchung with Tiffany but sleeping on the floor in the living room. And you’ll never guess who shows up next…
