So I met Elaine on a dating site. It was my first journey to that site, and my first night, and she appeared suddenly.
I’ve dated literally dozens of women in the past year and a half. As befits my recovery, at first they were drunks. The first one was this thin, hot, drunken, long-haired redhead nurse I met around July 4th of 2022, who fucked my brains out with that lithe body squirming while she rode me until I came inside her or she knelt and sucked the cum out of me. I kind of miss her because the sex was great and she looked so good doing it. But it felt horribly unsafe after my experiences with the addict Analie. It was hard to get off when I knew she was half in the bag. I ended up breaking up with her on that basis after a few months of enjoying her. Emily was her name. Call her my rebound girl. Close my eyes and ye gods she was beautiful.
I met a few more and they all seemed to have the same problem. The worst was this absolutely gorgeous Polish girl, a literal pharmacist, who was exceedingly pretty but also exceedingly broken. I only fucked her once before I figured it out, cases of wine in the three season room leading into her house. She was blotto all the time. Another Analie.
Eventually, with my sponsor David, I was able to realize that I was literally out looking for these addict women. I wanted broken women to rescue, just like Analie. I needed to break this cycle.
Furthermore, on a personal level, I realized that if I kept just fucking these chicks, my number would become 100 before I knew it – definitely by now. It’s already over 50. So I became more abstinent. Since I realized this, I have kept my expansion of my number down to (counting fingers) five over the course of nearly a year of active dating. I think i’ve been pretty good, there have been some stretches of 3 months where I haven’t been with anyone. Amanda, Phili, Danielle, Sharan and this beautiful Nigerian girl named Grace. Stunning looking with a body you could bounce quarters off of. So cutting it down from 40 or so to 5 is pretty good work.
So the last person i’d been with is Sharan (still is) which has got to be over two months ago, maybe three. Anywho I met Elaine a couple days before Halloween. She is very self-aware, beautiful, affirming. I wish I could include a picture or a short video of her talking. I think she would make anyone feel good.
At this writing it is less than three weeks since I saw her at Valley Forge park. What a wonderful day. We’d talked endlessly on the phone and she went to Kauai with her mom and brought me back a pretty green lanyard for my badge. We walked the park and then got some lunch and then kissed in my car. And kissed for hours I think. Noses rubbing together, smelling her hair, holding her close. It was cute even. I had real feelings for her and she wasn’t broken. It was a great awakening for me.
Over the next few days I realized that, while self-aware, she is not recovered. So much anger inside her towards others. You see, she’d been a member of a church that you’d probably know the name of. Her last name also identified her with the founders of the church. She couldn’t go back – her ex-husband was a member and he’d really shamed her by carrying on with another woman within the church.
But that almost paled next to her anger about her cancer. She had breast cancer and had been given a 10% chance to live. She did a double mastectomy (she still looked so beautiful…) but had chosen the naturopath way, eating a very confined diet. This was all fine except she now had an oncologist and a ob/gyn with a strong suspicion she had cervical cancer also. She refused traditional treatment again and went the naturopath way. Lots of unpleasant herbs and oils, and then a vaginal suppository that included tea tree oil, which burns mucous membranes, in case you aren’t aware. The result was that after 2 or 3 days of this month-long treatment, she was questioning her desire to be in a relationship at all and just angry at everyone.
One of the Al-Anon sayings is “go where you are wanted, not where you are tolerated” so we ended it on that basis. I let her feel like she ‘let me off easy’ but I was done at that same time. I couldn’t stand being treated badly, regardless of what troubles she was going through. I was told that a lot of people in terminal stages are like this, angry at the world and particularly bad to the people nearest them.
I wanted to help her but I couldn’t. But at least i’d had feelings again, the first since Analie. Well almost. There was Donna…but that’s another story.
